Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny bit comes courtesy of one of my co-workers:

Toilet Cleaning Instructions:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet — the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash and rinse.’
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

New Neopets petpage template: Fairy Dust

I had originally designed this for a Blogger template, but ported to Neopets petpage format by request. I have several other designs that I will be (hopefully) porting soon.

Preview:

Code:

Download here.

To install:

Go to your Neopets’ homepages index. Click the “Edit” link under the pet whose page you want to modify. Copy the contents of the template’s code file into the edit box. Scroll down and click “Preview Changes.” After the preview page loads, scroll down and click “Save Changes.”

Out of context, out of line?

This afternoon, Jim (unintentionally) gave me quite a scare. When last I saw him this morning, he was going to head by the house then on to work. I remember pulling onto the highway and watching him roll onto the lane going in the opposite direction. Fast forward to this afternoon, John called me at work asking me if I knew where Jim was. “What? He’s not there?” My mind raced. John had spoken to him not long after I last saw him and hadn’t seen nor heard from him since.

Long story short: Jim had sat down “for a few moments” at his desk and apparently had fallen asleep — he had been at home the whole time.

I was able to get a hold of him after calling the house a few times and he explained what happened. I fussed a small bit (not wanting to yell at work) and got my things together to leave for the day. A few co-workers had overheard and came by to make sure everything was ok. I was still pumped up on adrenaline and my blood-pressure I’m sure was through the roof. I jokingly replied, “Yeah. I’m going to beat him upside the head when I get home!”

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I say that in jest. In fact, I say that I’ll “beat his head in” all the time. I don’t beat my husband. I don’t beat my child. I laugh and carry-on, but it is entirely in jest. I do as my mother did — joke about it to keep from pulling my hair out and going crazy.

But what if someone had heard what I said, took it out of context, and called the police?

I ran across a Google Reader item shared by Ike Pigott linking to a post by someone who had something along those lines happen to her. Thordora had (in jest) commented on Twitter about bringing harm to her child, who wouldn’t go to sleep.

What NORMAL parent hasn’t uttered a snarky or humorously ludicrous remark out of frustration, annoyance, and dare I said it … love?

Someone following her tweets had local police notified of the “threat”. Officers arrived at her home and demanded to see her children (who obviously had not been harmed). Understandably, Thordora is upset with this person. (As I would be too!)

To me though, this reinforces something that I had come to realize through my experiences on other social networking services (mainly MySpace and Facebook) — careful who you “friend”.

They like me, they really like me!

My day started off pretty crappy. I didn’t hear the alarm, so I overslept. Then I finally get it together, get ready, and hop into my car to leave — only, it won’t start.

Great … what a way to start the week.

I go wake Jim up (God love him for putting up with me!) and start pacing because the car parts store wasn’t open yet, I was going to be way late for work, and I just knew that it was not going to be something as simple as a dead battery … it’s probably something catastrophic, or expensive, like the alternator, etc.

Two hours (and a hundred bucks) later, I have a brand new battery and am told that my car’s alternator is fine. Yay. I finally make it to work just in time to discuss lunch.

The day has gotten better as it’s gone on, though … I was reading through my email and received the following:

Congratulations you have won the “World Web Award of Excellence” for web site design, creativity, and ease of navigation. Keep up the good work. You have obviously worked very hard investing your time, and skills into making a great web site.

Regards,
Art Space 2000 Awards Department

Very cool.

Though it’s now occurred to me, I have no place to display my accolades. I guess I’ll just have to create something and add it to the sidebar!

YAY — something to keep me busy for the rest of the day!

Things overheard in the office …

Someone walks by my cubicle while talking on their cell phone and I hear:

I wonder how much a radar gun is around here?

links for 2008-12-31

• SSL broken! Hackers create rogue CA certificate using MD5 collisions | Zero Day | ZDNet.com
  Oh. F—.

  A group of hackers in the U.S. and Europe have found a way to target a known weakness in the MD5 algorithm to create a rogue Certification Authority (CA), a breakthrough that allows the forging of certificates that are fully trusted by all modern Web browsers.

  (tags: web Security news exploit internet technology ssl md5 article computer-science hacking geek Geekery WTF)

Humpday Hilarities

Welp, here it is … the last funnies for 2008. The following are some of my favorite funnies from I Can Has Cheezburger and I Has a Hotdog:

A reminder: Why I do it

The following was received from a soldier and was posted to the Soldiers’ Angels Wingtip 2 Wingtip blog:

I would like to take this time to say thank you for all that you have done for me and other Soldiers like me. Thank you for your letters, cards, calling cards, heartfelt prayers and thoughts.

Our force, however strong, needs encouragement, especially when our will is weak. Your kindness has healed our sad souls and our longing for our homes.

With reminders every day that we are not alone …

We have you!

Thank you Soldiers Angels!

It makes my heart smile to see our efforts appreciated by those we love and support. Because of this, I’ll gladly keep doing what I’m doing … as long as it takes.

“May no soldier go unloved,
may no soldier walk alone,
may no soldier be forgotten,
until they all come home.”
– Patti Patton-Bader

New WordPress Theme: Red Delicious

My first new theme featuring the WordPress 2.7-specific features. Hopefully, I’ll soon have the time to update my other themes.

Details

Red Delicious is a fruity red theme. Works with WordPress version 2.7 and is backward-compatible down to version 2.5. (If you were really desperate, it can work with 2.3 but I wouldn’t recommend it!) Background courtesy of Country Clipart by Lisa. Stock image for header by Creapril.

Availability

Demo & Download

Blogger How-To: Add Sticky Content / Fake Front Page

Working on my most recent side project, I’ve had to brush up on my Blogger/Blogspot coding. One of the things requested of me was to find a way to have a static front page on a Blogger site.

WordPress has this feature built-in, but Blogger currently does not.

I know of two ways that this can be accomplished:

Solution #1

Create a new post with the content you want to show on the index of your Blogger site and save as normal. When you add more content to your site, re-open your “front page” post. Click Post Options. Change the Post date and time to values which chronologically fall after those of your last “regular” post.

Now go to Settings, Formatting. Set it to show only 1 post on the main page.

The idea is to always keep the “front page” post as the newest, so it is the top post (and therefore the only one shown on the main page). You’ll have to do this every time you add new posts to your Blogger site.

Or …

Solution #2

I like to call this one the “Sticky Content method.”

A while back someone had shown me that enabling the showaddelement attribute in a Blogger XML template allowed you to add widgets above your posts. Basically, changing a small bit of code in your template …

… gave you this ability:

I’ve seen plenty of people do this to display Google Ads or other PPC stuff above their posts.

To do this, you’ll need to first download a fresh copy of your template — go to Layout, Edit HTML, Download Full Template.

Open it in your text editor of choice (use Notepad if you’re not sure) and search for type='Blog' or “posts”. Either of those should show you the section code containing the Blogger function for calling blog posts. You’ll see a line that says something along the lines of:

<b:section class='main' id='main' showaddelement='no'>

When you change showaddelement from ‘no’ to ‘yes’, you are then able to add widgets above your blog posts. Save the changes to your XML and upload it to Blogger (go to Layout, Edit HTML) using their upload form. Once that’s done, go add a widget by going to Page Elements (in Layout).

Click Add a Gadget, and add the HTML/JavaScript widget and type in the content you want to show on your front page and save.

Keep in mind: that this would show up on EVERY page on your site unless you adjust a couple things!

Download an updated copy of your template and open it in your text editor of choice. Now that you’ve added a widget, you should see something like this:

Hint: Look for the title of your widget if you get lost!

Change the following:

<div class='widget-content'>
<data:content/>
</div>


to this:

<b:if cond='data:blog.url == data:blog.homepageUrl'>
<div class='widget-content'>
<data:content/>
</div>
</b:if>


Basically, you are telling Blogger to only display that widget if the page you’re on is the home page (main page).

Now, let’s fix the blog settings so that nothing shows up on the main page except this widget. Go to Settings, Formatting, and set it to show no posts on the main page.

Pretty cool, huh?

Closing Thoughts

Whichever method you choose, make sure that you have some way for your visitors to access your site’s content. I suggest adding Blog Archive and Labels widgets. You could also use the Feed widget and put in your RSS feed to show your blog’s latest posts.

I hope the solutions I’ve posted are clear, but if you need anything explained further please feel free to ask in the comments below!

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